How will divorce affect my children?

Navigating divorce isn't only about dividing assets. For many parents, the overarching concern is often the impact divorce will have on their children. You can easily find a myriad of opinions on the subject, with some individuals claiming that divorce is always bad for children, while others argue that if parents are unhappy in a relationship, children will be too. The answer to how divorce will affect your children depends on a myriad of factors, which we’ll explore below.

What the research says about the effects of divorce on children

It is commonly accepted that in the short term, divorce is hard for everyone, including children. However, parsing the long-term effects of divorce on children is a bit more nuanced. A recent systematic review - a research paper synthesizing the evidence from many research studies - demonstrated that in children who lived under shared parenting arrangements after their parents’ divorce, the vast majority had the same emotional, behavioural, relational, physical, and educational outcomes as their peers whose parents stayed together. Children of divorced parents who tended to fare the worst were those who lived solely with one parent after the divorce; however, the researchers found that this observation was best explained by the loss of economic and relational resources these children endured as a result of going from having two parents to having just one. The term “relational resources” refers to the high-quality relationships a person has with others. In the context of divorce, a child’s loss of relational resources can refer to a loss of relationships with peers (e.g. due to changing schools), a loss of relationship with their other parent, a loss of relationship with their grandparents, and so on. Research regarding the factors that can most negatively impact a child’s well-being in divorce is still ongoing, but some other factors previously identified by researchers include ongoing inter-parental conflict and hostility, a disruption of parenting routines and abilities, and a loss of security and predictability for the child­.

Overall, the research seems to indicate that while divorce can have a negative impact on some children, these impacts can be mitigated by maintaining the relationships the child had prior to the divorce, including with peers and their other parent (if appropriate in the situation), and ensuring the child has access to adequate financial support following the divorce.

Is there any merit to staying together for the sake of my children?

Given the possible negative impacts of divorce on children, many parents wonder if they should simply bury their relationship issues and stay together for the benefit of their children. In some instances, it is totally appropriate for a couple to try to work on their relationship to see if they can reconcile their differences and ultimately maintain a stable family environment for their children. However, there are some instances where this just isn’t an option. First and foremost: research overwhelmingly demonstrates that the long-term effects on a child of physical and emotional abuse, neglect, and witnessing family violence are severe, impacting children’s long-term mental health, academic achievement, and overall well-being. While family violence is complex, and there are many reasons why a victim of family violence may not be able to “just leave”, protecting your children from witnessing or being victims of family violence is an important consideration. In other instances where there is no abuse but you and your spouse fight constantly, it is unlikely there will be a benefit to staying together for the sake of your children: research demonstrates that in the long-term, high-conflict family environments also negatively impact a child’s well-being. 

If your relationship with your spouse is not high-conflict, this still doesn’t necessarily mean that staying together for your children is the right decision. If you have tried to reconcile with your spouse but have gotten to the point where you feel divorce is the only option, chances are that the relationship is dysfunctional in a way that can’t be remedied, which can also have an impact on children. Another recent systematic review demonstrated that there is a strong positive correlation between healthy family functioning (including family cohesion and adaptability, good family communication, and family satisfaction) and happiness in children and adolescents. In other words: a healthy family dynamic is important. If you are unhappy in your family dynamic and are unable to model healthy family relationships for your children, that can negatively impact their happiness. It is important to consider the state of your mental health in the context of your relationship with your spouse as well, which can also impact your child’s well-being long-term.

Overall, it is always best to protect a child from environments of violence and abuse. In cases where violence and abuse are not a consideration but the parental relationship is ridden with conflict, staying together for the sake of the children is also not likely to be a good idea. Where parental relationships deteriorate absent high levels of conflict, parents should consider if they can truly show up for their children and model healthy family functioning while in an unhappy relationship.

What can I do to minimize the impact of divorce on my children?

Overall, the research seems to indicate that while divorce can be difficult for children, there are concrete steps you can take to ensure your divorce has as little impact on your children as possible. 

These steps include:

• trying to keep conflict in your divorce to a minimum, for instance by engaging in mediation;

• minimizing your children’s exposure to high levels of conflict at all stages of the divorce (though this is not to say that children should be left in the dark or their voices dismissed in family law disputes either - indeed, children have the legal right to express their opinions about matters that affect them); 

• if it is appropriate in your situation, creating a parenting time arrangement in which your children can spend time with their other parent after the divorce;

• ensuring that your children still have access to a similar level of financial resources as they did prior to the divorce; 

• minimizing the disruption to your child’s routine and protecting their relationships as much as possible after divorce.

While divorce inevitably introduces short-term challenges for children, thoughtful and considerate handling of the divorce process can protect their well-being long-term. Decisions in divorce should be tailored to the unique needs of your family and should prioritize your children's best interests. Seeking advice from family law professionals can provide valuable guidance in making these decisions, ensuring your children's needs are met before, during, and after your divorce.

If you would like to learn more, please contact our team of Vancouver family lawyers for a consultation.